This is the second of a two-part series. The Jan. 17 Home & Garden column, “Alternative approaches to death and dying,” concluded with an excerpt from Ursula Snow, a Shelburne Falls resident who died at age 13 in a 2019 accident. Some Recorder readers were unable to read the full excerpt due to a printing error, so we begin part two by reprinting Ursula’s words.

Following the loss of a cherished pet, then-11-year-old Ursula Snow penned a letter. “Dear Universe,” she wrote, “Where do you go after you die? Is it even a place? Do you have consciousness?”

Ursula supplied what she imagined the Universe’s reply might be: “Death is a tricky subject, since it’s different for everyone. (It’s) mostly a mystery, but I’ll give you some insight. You’ve had many heroes on earth that you think died, but they have not. They are immortal. They live on in your memories. They are people who brought hope to your world … people who moved your world closer to memories of deepest wisdom.”

Ursula Snow’s openness in facing the death of someone she loved demonstrates that children who receive supportive nurturing have a remarkable ability to face difficult situations.

Shutesbury resident Dina Stander also learned about death early in life. As a child, she attended civil rights marches with her father, and recalls sitting on her dad’s shoulders while marching with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and many others. “So when Dr. King died, it had a great impact on me,” said Stander. “It rocked my world.”

While initial career plans did not include concepts and services related to death and dying, Stander, 60, is now well-known throughout western Massachusetts and beyond for innovative, candid and caring approaches to transitions and passages that mainstream American culture sometimes avoids or covers up.

Years ago, Stander had officiated at quite a few weddings when she found herself in a season of personal loss. “I lost three loved ones within thirty days,” said Stander, “and all of them were mentors, people who’d been anchors in my life.” One dear friend specified in her will that Stander be her funeral officiant. “I had 48 hours to get myself to California and facilitate a service attended by 650 people,” said Stander. She made the most of her travel time: “I asked people in airports what they had loved or detested about funerals they’d attended. I learned a ton.”

The experience inspired Stander to become a funeral celebrant. “My first job in this role came in 2007 when I got a call from a family who needed an officiant out near Boston. A priest refused to conduct a service because the deceased, who came from a big Irish Catholic family, was gay. So off I went. I found that you can always create something beautiful with the love that’s in the room.”

After the service, an elderly aunt of the deceased approached Stander and said, “I want you to do my service when my time comes!”

Starting next week, Stander will offer four sessions on February Mondays through the auspices of Greenfield Community College. “Everybody dies,” she said. “Why shouldn’t we talk about it?”

In addition to her role as celebrant, Stander offers services as an end-of-life navigator. “A navigator doesn’t do the work for you,” she said, “but provides information about resources and options for how to proceed.” Stander, also a published poet, is currently completing grief educator training. “I began studying end-of-life and after-death care because I was interested in the power of encouragement to balance wellbeing and chronic health challenges.”

Her extensive experience provides her with a full toolbox: she earned a B.A. in mediation and conflict resolution and has used that training in school, court and community settings. She’s served as a hospice volunteer and hospital chaplain, and is a certified end-of-life doula and life-cycle funeral celebrant.

“I’ve worked with elders to support aging at home, and in health education modeling self-management of chronic illness and pain,” said Stander. She has training in home funeral support and is the founder of Last Dance Shrouds, a custom burial shroud maker.

“To learn this work, I’ve had to put myself at the edge of the unknown,” said Stander. “I’ve found myself in situations I never would have predicted.” Stander was asked by an African-American family to sing Billie Holiday’s “God Bless the Child” at their loved one’s memorial service. “I told them that I don’t sing. They said, ‘Do it anyway.’ So I did.”

While serving as a hospital chaplain, Stander never knew what a workday might bring. “I’ve had deeply sad experiences, like sitting with a family who were discontinuing life support of a loved one. But I’ve also had radical and life-changing encounters like walking through the ER and coming upon a couple who asked me to sit with them because they’d just been in an accident that totaled their car, but they both came through completely unscathed. They wanted to talk through that shocking experience.”

Stander added, “Working and being in those rooms at the Springfield hospital helped me be a better funeral celebrant. Sitting with a 10-year-old dying of brain cancer was like nothing else I’d ever done.”

Living in rural western Massachusetts inspires Stander creatively and spiritually. “I’m sustained by a lively community of musicians, artists, farmers and poets. We have wonderful open mics and festivals, and so many writers to hang out with and learn from.”

While she supports many alternative approaches to death and dying, Stander is mindful of caveats. “For one thing, I don’t like the term ‘positive death movement,’ because not all deaths are positive,” she said. She’s grateful, however, for discussion groups sometimes called death cafes. “Such forums can make it easier to have conversations about topics people tend to avoid.”

Stander advocates for green burials where appropriate. “All things being equal, green burials really are the best thing, and I’m glad that more and more municipal cemeteries allow the practice. Obviously, skipping the embalming chemicals is better for our environment,” she said. “But green burial is a lot easier in a rural setting than an urban one. Some people simply don’t have the option, in which case cremation can be a viable choice.”

Although cremation has fallen out of favor in some circles due to issues related to energy consumption and environmental concerns, Stander emphasized that emissions can be mitigated if a crematorium has adequate smokestack scrubbers. “And one cremation is equivalent to driving a car about 1,500 miles. That’s not horrible,” she said. “Cremation can help resolve the land use problem.”

Those interested in participating in Stander’s four sessions through GCC can visit this site:

https://engage.gcc.mass.edu/workshops/four-mondays-in-february/

The Feb. 6 session will address “how to sort out which parts of advance directives are medical and legal, and which bits are personal,” said Stander. Participants will learn how to get the most from a MOLST (Massachusetts Medical Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment). Stander emphasizes that she’s not an attorney. “If you need an attorney, you should get one. I don’t give legal advice. But I can help people sort through concerns about advance directives.”

The Feb. 13 topic, “Before I Die: Ethical Wills, Bucket Lists & Ordinary Adventures,” will reflect that living through a global pandemic led many people to consider how to create a better world. “Many people wonder about places they’d like to visit and what they’d want to communicate to loved ones if death seemed close on the horizon,” said Stander. “(We will) discuss the meaning of our wishes for a fulfilled life and how to harness the energy of our best intentions.”

On Feb. 20, Stander will guide participants through considering burial shrouds. “We’ll consider the history and rituals of cultures that traditionally use shrouds in death practices,” she said, “as well as natural burial disposition and cremation.”

The documentary filmmaker Jan Sturman made a short film about Stander’s work. “Soft Time: The handmade shrouds of Dina Stander” is viewable online, presenting a lovely portrait of a time-honored art. But if survivors don’t have a ready-made shroud available at the time of a loved one’s death, Stander said it’s possible to “simply and gracefully use what you have on hand to create one. All you need is a piece of fabric about the size of a king size sheet, or you can use a quilt. The shroud doesn’t even need to be sewn. A winding sheet can be made by using anything on hand, and tied with scarves or strips of fabric.”

The Feb. 27 session, “Creativity & Grieving,” will address how survivors can fully experience and make sense of loss. “We’ll explore avenues for creative expression that support the grief-journey,” said Stander, “touching on the neuroscience of the grieving brain and looking at how creative process can help when we are challenged by grief. We’ll discuss ways that creativity eases stress when we’re impacted by death, climate disruption and other kinds of loss.”

Readers interested in learning more about Stander’s work can visit this site: dinastander.com.

Death is inevitable and often challenging, but people can approach the realities with openness. More than anything, Stander stresses the importance of “being and connecting with feelings.”

EvelineMacDougall is the author of “Fiery Hope” and an artist, musician and mom. She can be reached at eveline@amandlachorus.org.

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